The first 15 days

The following is from my first journal entry after giving up drinking:

Thursday, January 26, 2017 - I am 15 days sober. Fifteen days without a drink - that is likely the longest I have gone without a drink since at least before turning 21, possibly since before turning 18. Strangely, it hasn't really been that hard. I am ready. My body is ready. My mind is ready. I have spent the last few years getting ready for this, not that I knew it, necessarily. I've shed the desire for going out and getting crazy, along with the friends/social circle that went with it. I adopted habits that gave me a purpose beyond myself - tennis team, little sister, etc. They are not just a distraction but a source of self-esteem. I've weirdly surrounded myself with entertainment from people who are sober - Marc Maron, Chris Hardwick, Andrea Owen. I didn't know any of them were sober when I first tuned in, but that they are all my primary source of entertainment is telling. I gave up TV, really. No more Mad Men glorifying drinking, making it impossible for me to watch without a drink. No more Housewives or Bachelor that I'd need a drink just to get through. No, in a weird way, I've set my life up over the past few years to be ready for this. There are the fewest triggers there could ever be. I'll still have them, I'm sure, but it's the right time. 

Tonight was really the first time I wanted to get a bottle on the way home. Not really wanted, but after a stressful workweek, I just wanted to numb. TBH, it wasn't even a stressful workweek at all - I just wanted to numb! I didn't, of course. I'm sure being with my thoughts sober for 15 days straight also plays a part. I'm bored! I feel like I have nothing to look forward to! My healthy lunches and dinners that I always craved now seem so bland and chaste. They must have made me feel balanced - eat clean and healthy meals so I can pour sugar and alcohol down my throat. Without the latter, my grilled chicken and brussels sprouts seem pathetic. I eat it on a big plate, first with a fork, then my fingers, while I browse Facebook, because there's no one here to be polite for. I am incredibly lonely. It does seem like a lonely life without alcohol. It surely was a lonely life WITH alcohol, I probably just couldn't see it, or rather, I could ignore and deny it. I had fun when I was drinking - even, and especially, by myself. I need to find a way to have fun in my own head now. Or, maybe I don't. Probably no one gets to have fun or be entertained all the time.

I had a dream last night that I drank. That I got wasted at a party, deliberately tried to break my sobriety. As part of the dream, I "woke up" from the night and immediately regretted it - hated myself for breaking down. Then, when I started waking up for real, I had a few very long, groggy moments when I didn't know if I'd been dreaming - I thought I really had done it, and hated myself again. And then I00% woke up, realized it was just a dream, and was so relieved. So, even though it was hard today, and I craved that bottle of wine, that dream told me how I'd feel if I did it. It wasn't even a question of me giving up. I'm in this, at least for a little while. Definitely a month. Ideally three months. Only after 90 days will I let myself consider a lifetime. I'm really proud of myself so far. Bored out of my mind, but proud.